


When I Was At My Worst

by wookbutt09



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, College, Drunkenness, Emotional Infidelity, Eren cheats but not really, Eren is 19 and Levi is 22, Established Relationship, Infidelity, M/M, Major Character Injury, Underage Drinking, college party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 13:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3382931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wookbutt09/pseuds/wookbutt09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren and Levi have been dating since high school, totally in love. Now, Eren is a freshman in college, and Levi is graduating this year. Like any normal weekend, they attend a college party full of drunk shenanigans, but Eren has a little too much, accidents happen, and devastation ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Was At My Worst

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by the story in the music video for Maroon 5's "Maps." It's a really sad story where the girl gets hit by a car after they fight at a party. If you've seen the video, you'll know that I expanded on the details of it and also changed a few key elements cuz I didn't want the story to end like that hahaha. 
> 
> I don't think the story is graphic at all but there's a small description of injury if that stuff bothers you.

“What about this one?”

“No.”

“Why not!” the younger man asked, obviously feeling exasperated as this was the fourth outfit that he had tried on, and the fourth outfit that his boyfriend had rolled his eyes at.

“Stop trying to look cool or whatever it is you’re doing,” his boyfriend replied, which had earned him a glare.

“I’m not trying to look cool,” he mumbled, “I just wanna look nice…”

“We’ve been to a thousand parties before, and we’ll probably go to at least another million before I graduate. Everyone will be too drunk to notice, anyway,” the older man replied. He noticed the slightly disheartened look on his boyfriend’s face though, because he continued, “You always look nice, Eren. Just be yourself.”

Eren blushed, but then smiled his signature, bright eyed smile. He walked over to the couch his boyfriend was sitting on, and dropped onto the sofa on his knees, wrapping his arms around the older man and cuddling into him.

“You’re so cute, Levi,” he said, voice muffled as he buried his face in the hug. Levi laughed quietly, his heart feeling so genuinely happy and content to be holding someone he loved so, so much.

“You’re just as cute,” he whispered, smiling, kissing Eren on the top of his head.

~~

“He is so not fucking cute. At all,” Levi spat, taking a small sip of his beer, growing more and more annoyed as time passed.

Sure, Eren _looked_ cute in the outfit he had finally decided on. His fitted jeans sitting low on his hips that showed off how Eren was thin and had absolutely no ass, which Levi found really appealing for some reason. His slightly baggier t-shirt with an unzipped hoodie thrown over it, hanging a bit off one of his shoulders. His messy brown hair that refused to ever be anything _but_ messy, and his unreasonably-large-for-a-nineteen-year-old eyes, as Levi liked to call them, the prettiest shade of green you’d ever seen.

 But none of that mattered because he was not _acting_ cute. No. Not at all.

“He’s just having a little fun,” the girl next to him offered. “It’s not like he’s never been drunk before, and he’s really not acting any different from anyone else.”

“Really, Hanji? Look at him,” Levi shot back, throwing a hand out to gesture over to where Eren was currently running around screaming with his friends, laughing it up like he wasn’t acting half his age. Eren jumped on top of one his friend’s backs, hollering something about horses.  Levi sighed and rolled his eyes.

“I think you’re a bit wrong this time,” Hanji laughed, apologizing and holding up her hands in defense when Levi glared at her. “I’m sorry, but I do. Just because you don’t like to get crazy drunk at parties doesn’t mean he can’t. He’s a few years younger than you, let him act like it.”  


“You don’t know him like I do, Hanji. Okay, fine, I do think he’s being a little embarrassing and alright, I admit that it’s none of my business and maybe it’s really not that big of a deal. But he never drank before college and he’s not the best at handling his alcohol. You’ve never seen him throw up for hours, passing out on the bathroom floor. You’ve never seen him get irrationally emotional or angry, sobbing about this or that. And honestly, he’s not capable of making great decisions when he’s like this,” Levi sighed again, pointing and gesturing once more to Eren who had toppled over onto the ground when his friend’s legs gave out, all of them laughing like crazy while they rolled around on the floor.

“I get that, Levi, but you’re not his mom and you’re not his babysitter. Your job is to support him when he needs it, not tell him what to do. That’s what you signed up for. He’s a very normal kid doing a very normal thing. He’s with his friends right now, so ignore him, drink your beer, and come over here and hang out with _your_ friends for a bit.”

Levi crossed his arm, still glaring at her.

“Fine,” he huffed, rolling his eyes as he followed Hanji into a slightly quieter area of the party, but not before glancing over his shoulder one more time, watching Eren with concern. This was the most he’s ever had, Levi thought as he watched Eren shotgunning another beer with all of his friends.

~~

Another hour or so passed, and Levi thought that it was probably time to go. He couldn’t stop worrying about Eren, so he really wasn’t having any fun. Besides, he hadn’t seen or heard Eren screaming or laughing in quite a bit, and that alone was enough cause for concern.

“I’m gonna go find Eren,” he mumbled, handing his beer to one of his friends.

“Okay...” Hanji acknowledged quietly, watching Levi with a sad smile as he walked away.

He looked in the kitchen, the living room, the bathrooms, but he couldn’t find Eren anywhere. The party was a little quieter, but it was so dark and the music was still blaring, and he was getting confused and his head was starting to hurt. He decided it’d probably be faster and easier to just ask one of Eren’s friends. He found the small group of them huddled in the corner of the kitchen, talking and laughing with each other, but no Eren.

“Hey, have you guys seen Eren?” he asked, tapping one of them on the shoulder to get their attention.

“Uhhh…” the girl with the brown ponytail trailed off, all of them looking anywhere but at Levi. Levi narrowed his eyes. Armin, the one Levi knew to be Eren’s good friend, was the only one to respond.

“He’s over there,” he said hesitantly, awkwardly pointing behind Levi. Levi raised an eyebrow in question, and turned to look over his shoulder. He froze, and he could swear that his heart had stopped beating for a solid minute.

He’d found Eren alright, but not how he’d ever imagined. His boyfriend was leaning back casually against the doorway to the dining room, a senior that Levi knew from one of his seminars standing tall over Eren, his arm placed above them on the doorway as he was leaning in close. The man was smiling at Eren, a beer in his hand, and Eren was smiling right back, giggling at something the guy had said, playfully pushing on his chest as they talked. The senior responded by touching Eren on the arm, rubbing slightly back and forth as he brought his face down to sit in the crook of Eren’s neck, to which Eren responded with another giggle.

They were fucking flirting, and Levi was shocked. His heart hurt and he couldn’t move.

His pain was quickly replaced with anger and he began to storm over to them.

“Levi! –” Armin called out, but it was too late. Levi could hear nothing but the pounding music in his ears and the pounding irritation in his head. When he reached Eren, he shoved the guy’s arm away and roughly grabbed Eren’s, whipping his boyfriend around to face him.

“What the fuck, Eren,” he said loudly enough for Eren to hear him over the song that was playing, but was immediately more pissed off than before when he caught the look in Eren’s eyes. Or, thereof, Levi noted, because Eren’s eyes were so glossed over from intoxication that it took more than a few seconds for him to try and focus his gaze on Levi. Realization, concerned, unsurprised… Levi felt all of these things but more than anything, he felt disappointed. He wanted to blame himself because he knew Eren was drinking way too much and he’d wanted to stop it, and yet he’d let it continue. As Hanji had said, it was his job to support Eren, but wasn’t it also his job to protect him?

Fuck that.

Eren was young but he was technically an adult, and freshman ignorance or not, he was capable of making his own decisions.

And he’d made a bad decision.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” he yelled, grabbing and shaking Eren by the shoulders, anything to wake him up from the alcoholic fog in his brain, the pain and the hurt materializing in the form of anger. He knew this wasn’t the time or place to deal with this but there was no way he could help it.

“I… what?” Eren responded, squinting his eyes from Levi’s loudness, one hand reaching up to his head, probably applying pressure to a headache he was sure to be having. Levi’s classmate looked scared and turned to walk away from whatever was about to happen.

“What?” Levi said softly, unbelieving, before getting loud again. “What do you mean, ‘what!’”

“I don’t know what’s happening Levi, I’m really confused. It’s loud in here. Stop yelling,” Eren whined, barely able to stand straight, rubbing hard at both of his eyes as he clearly tried to wake himself up. Levi only felt rage boiling inside him.

“That’s fucking great,” Levi laughed bitterly as Eren raised an eyebrow at him. “Don’t you dare try to get out of this. You’re a huge fucking asshole, Eren. I can’t believe you would stand here and flirt with this fucking piece of shit in front of me. If I hadn’t come over here at this moment, how far would you have let this go? Huh? Would I have found you in a fucking bed with this guy instead? How could you do this!” he started yelling again, his emotions getting the best of him as he reached up to pull at his hair, the frustration and sadness beginning to be too much.

He couldn’t deal with this. Levi loved Eren so much, and to him, this felt like cheating. Drunk or not, Eren was sharing smiles and touches and giggles that he had shared with Levi, things that he had promised were _only_ for Levi. And suddenly he was crying, his body shaking

“Levi, stop.” Eren was crying now too, reaching out to touch his shaking boyfriend. “I’m sorry. I don’t- I’m sorry. I’m a fucking idiot. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m stupid. Please, Levi. Stop. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry,” Eren said in a slurred rush, grabbing Levi now by both shoulders since Levi had let go. Levi became even more aggravated when Eren could still barely stand, and his eyes could still barely focus.

But Levi couldn’t shake him off, he just pulled harder at his hair until it hurt so bad that he was forced to stop. Eren was hiccupping with sobs at this point, and Levi knew how drunk Eren was, he believed him that he was confused, maybe he even believed that he was sorry. But why should he care? He wasn’t the one who did this, Eren was.

“Why, Eren, why are you doing this,” Levi whispered, tears falling down his cheeks.

“I’m not, I-”

“I love you, Eren, so why is this happening,” he whispered again, not even hearing Eren at this point.

“I love you! I love you, too, Levi, please, I’m sorry. I’m sorry-”

“Get away from me! Go away!” Levi screamed, pushing Eren off, unable to be around him anymore. Not right now. He couldn’t even look at Eren at this point, let alone listen to anything he had to say.

Eren looked devastated, but at the same time, he was still obviously highly intoxicated – not even the fight was enough to sober him up. He almost tripped over himself as he tried to walk away, wherever it was that he was going. Levi didn’t care. He walked quickly to the bathroom down the hall and slammed the door, locking it behind him and slamming down the toilet seat cover. He threw himself down onto it, putting his head in his hands as he cried, pulling at his hair once again.

~~

A half hour or so must’ve gone by. Levi pulled out his phone, sniffling as his crying had calmed down quite a bit. He’d gotten so many texts from Hanji asking where he’d gone to, if he’d left with Eren, if everything was okay. But he had no intention of responding right now. What could he possibly say? It was already almost 1:00 in the morning. He was sure that the RAs would be coming around within the next half hour so to shut the party down, so he wanted to get out of here before the lights came back on and the music stopped – the last thing he wanted was for anyone to see him upset.

He stood up, standing in front of the mirror by the sink, the sadness in his expression making him even sadder. He stared for a bit, breathing, trying to regain all of his composure, when his phone vibrated repeatedly, indicating that he was receiving a phone call instead of a text. Rolling his eyes because he knew it was Hanji, he looked down and was surprised to see that it was not Hanji calling, but Eren’s sister, Mikasa. Had Eren called her and told her what had happened? She was probably pissed at Levi, even if it wasn’t his fault. He was sure she’d blame him for not watching Eren’s alcohol intake, but he was prepared to have that battle with her. This was not his fault.

Angrily, he answered the phone.

“Hello?” he grumbled.  

“Levi. Oh my god. Eren.”

She was crying, hysterical, her breathing was ragged and he could hear that she couldn’t breathe.

Oh no.

No no no.

“What, Mikasa!? Where’s Eren!?”

“Levi he was in an accident. He was walking and he was hit by a car. He can’t – he’s – ”

“Is he okay? He’s okay, right?” Levi was also hysterical by now. He couldn’t even remember ever being mad at Eren. No fight that had ever happened between them could ever matter at this point.

Mikasa kept crying, and Levi didn’t give her time enough to respond as he hung up, unlocked the door, and ripped it open, running faster than he had ever run in his life to find Hanji, Erwin, any of his friends who could possibly help him right now. He ran into Hanji first.

“Hanji. Please. Drive me to the hospital right now. Please,” he begged, unable to breathe properly.

“Levi, what ha – ”

“Hanji please we have to go _now_. It’s Eren. Please let’s go!” he continued to beg, hoping for once in their lives that she would skip the questions or explanations and just listen.

“Okay,” she said, and he sighed in relief for a brief moment as he followed her out to her car, but the second he sat in the passenger seat, he couldn’t breathe again. His head was spinning and his mind couldn’t comprehend anything. He stared out the window as they drove as quickly as Hanji could safely go, willing time to move quicker with every fiber in his being.

Hanji pulled up to the emergency room entrance and Levi pushed open the car door, sprinting into the waiting room to find Mikasa and their parents sitting together solemnly, all eyes red and puffy and faces tear streaked. He immediately thought Eren had to be dead, and he thought he might pass out.

“Where’s Eren,” he whispered shakily, surprised that he even had the strength to speak.

“It’s doesn’t look good,” Eren’s mother answered, her voice going up an octave as she began to cry again. “We aren’t allowed to see him. He’s in critical condition and in surgery.” She had to stop when her cries became moans.

Levi’s heart broke for her but his heart was broken for himself, and for Eren. He sat down when his legs could no longer support him. He didn’t cry. He had cried all the tears he possibly had tonight.

~~

A day went by. Then two days. Then three. Eren was alive, but barely. The surgery was a success, but they couldn’t guarantee that he would ever wake up, or that his body wouldn’t give up at any moment.

Levi didn’t think anything in this world could be worse than this. He and Eren had been dating since high school. They’d been through so much together, and he’d naively assumed that they’d spend the rest of their lives happily the same way. Even if it was more than three years away, he already knew he would propose to Eren after Eren graduated from college. He knew Eren would say yes. He knew that they would travel together and buy a house together and maybe even adopt kids in ten years. He knew everything was going to be fine.

But it wasn’t fine, and there was only a 50/50 chance that anything would ever be fine again.

And then there was that stupid fight. That stupid fucking fight that in the grand scheme of things meant absolutely nothing. He and Eren were so in love, and Levi _knew_ that. He knew that and yet he had let it get so out of control. Less than an hour before the fight, Eren had been so happy and full of life. But because of that fight, Eren was here, in the hospital, struggling to survive.

Just as Eren’s choices that night were not Levi’s fault, he also knew that Eren’s accident was not his fault. But what he couldn’t stop blaming himself for was the fight. The screaming, the yelling, when what he should have been doing was grabbing Eren and bringing him back to his dorm and watching him and rubbing his back as Eren inevitably puked his brains out into the toilet, sighing and rolling his eyes like he did every time Eren got stupid drunk. He should’ve taken Eren’s disgusting shirt off and threw him into bed, tucked him in, and placed a glass of water on the nightstand. Maybe he would’ve slept on the couch that night, because what Eren had done was wrong and he still would’ve been pissed about it. But in the morning, Eren would’ve been alive to talk about it, to fix it, to be happy with Levi once again and forever.

But that wasn’t what happened and Levi felt incredibly guilty for not being able to control his emotions that night. Mikasa didn’t blame him, Eren’s parents didn’t blame him, but Levi would have to live with knowing that it didn’t have to happen this way, whether Eren survived this or not.

It was on the fourth day that the doctors had informed them that Eren had woken up. He was on a lot of drugs to ease the incredible pain he would’ve been feeling, and so they warned that he might not be completely conscious of what was happening or what anyone was saying.

They walked into Eren’s room, relieved more than anything that his eyes were open, even barely, even if he couldn’t really move. Levi stood back for a bit to let Eren’s family have their time with him. Eren kept his eyes closed most of the time, his words were few and quiet as if even speaking was exhausting for him. Levi just watched, watched his every small movement, every small smile he tried to make.

 Even if he’d seen Eren’s condition quite a few times over the last couple of days, it was still shocking every time. His face was cut up with scratches all over, and a large bandage covered most of his left cheek where the skin had been rubbed raw. Any other visible part of his body, his neck, his arms, were also torn and scratched. His left arm was broken, and it was a miracle according to doctors that that was his worst remaining injury after the internal bleeding had been stopped and he remained stable. But knowing that didn’t help. He wasn’t sure if Eren had seen himself yet but he was sure he could feel how bad it was, and that was possibly worse.

After what felt like forever to Levi, Eren’s parents gestured for him to come over, too. Levi squeezed himself next to them, looking down at Eren and being at a complete loss for what to say. He reached out to touch Eren’s uninjured hand, and the tears came immediately the second he felt Eren’s warm skin. His warm, alive body.

“I’m sorry, Eren,” he whispered. It was the only thing that came to mind. Eren then began to cry, and he tried to shake his head slightly.

“No, I’m sorry, Levi. Please forgive me. Please,” Eren cried, his voice practically disappearing towards the end.

“Eren, stop. It’s okay. I love you. I love you,” Levi said, quietly still, squeezing Eren’s hand as gently as he could. Eren’s breathing hitched as he cried silently, doing his best to squeeze Levi’s hand right back. “I love you, Eren.”

“I love you,” Eren whispered, obviously feeling very tired now as his eyelids seemed harder to keep open. A few more tears fell as his crying stopped, and even if it was hard for him, he managed a smile. He closed his eyes, and Levi knew that that meant he was content.

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhhh I hope that wasn't ridiculously OOC... but I mean modern day AU Eren and Levi are a little hard to write. I hope it was enjoyable?


End file.
